Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
