Swine flu. Run for my life!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
