Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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