finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
