so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
