I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
