How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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