Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
