What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
