saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
