I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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