Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
