if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
