I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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