WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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