You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
