Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
