Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
