I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
