I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
