can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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