I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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