you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
