Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize