you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
