We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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