He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
