it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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