If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
