Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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