Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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