The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
