oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
