Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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