if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
