Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
