When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
