I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
