Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
