Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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