man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
