please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
