Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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