I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
