Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
birth control should be required to get into college
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
