a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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