I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
