at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
