i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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