dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you had me at cake vodka
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
