turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
