On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
