where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My balls are so social today.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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