Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
