i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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