Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So vagazzling was a success
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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