i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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