I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
