Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
