he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
