Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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